It's Not Funny!
by Meian Rose
Summary: Kanda was tasked with the tedious chore of setting his life straight. By his, he meant the brat that lived to make his own life a living hell. By his own, he still meant the brat. Now if only he could convince the boy—as well as himself—that he truly didn't give a damn about the boy's future, however bleak it may seem. (Full info inside. Yullen.) -I'm not funny but the cover is.


**A/N: **_**If you've read my prequel type story/crossover (with No. 6, but you don't necessarily need to know what that is in order to read) that should be found on my channel, this fic will probably make allot more sense to you. Although it can be read as a stand alone if you use a bit of your imagination. And, if you're a fan of D. Gray Man, I'm sure an imagination is something you're not lacking. Or perhaps I'm referring to anime in general.. **_

* * *

**Brief History:** **Allen was a thief, a cheat, a street rat, and the list went on and on. Kanda was a man who kept to himself, but tolerated no sort of nonsense. Don't step on his toes, he wont step on yours..if you're lucky. And that's how their story began. **

** A foul played game of poker led to an angry Japanese man running round after the apparent orphan, for a good time span of two or so years, with no sort of guidance what so ever, until they come across an unlikely pair that, as a conclusion to the little mess they'd seem to have wound themselves into prior to this situation, assigns Kanda with the duty of looking after Allen. Or at the very least, acting as a type of role model. He wasn't sure what they'd expected, but Kanda was quite sure the brat hated him and the feelings couldn't have been more mutual.**

* * *

"I hate you."

"I know."

"I hate you."

"I know."

"I _hate_ _you._"

"_I know._"

"I hate-"

"Damnit, beansprout, if you say it one more time I'm going to cut your tongue out!"

"That's not very nice, BaKanda."

"You're an idiot. I hate you too, beansprout."

"You hate me, but you're usually not this talkative.."

Kanda groaned in annoyance for what seemed like the millionth time that day. Ever since those two nuisances from West Block had felt the need to humiliate and demean him enough so to assign him as this kid's babysitter, his life has been practically on a downward spiral ever since.

The reason? If it's that hard to figure out, something has gone seriously wrong with this world.

Allen, however, couldn't say that he was having quite the terrible time that he would have expected. Even though, sure, he and Kanda did presumably share an ultimate hate that would likely send them both to their graves, Allen had never gotten to stand this close to Kanda without estimating his next escape. It was rather invigorating.

In a way it felt as though Allen was the cornered animal, and Kanda was the predator looking for an excuse to strike. But what the predator didn't know, was that Allen enjoyed the thrill of the chase. And it wasn't as if the predator was complaining, either.

"Where are we?"

"How am I supposed to know?"

"I don't think we're in West Block anymore."

"Way to state the obvious, useless beansprout."

Basically that was the outline of every conversation they'd come to have since their departure, and every once in a while Allen would feel himself avoiding the strong wish to return. He hadn't had a day quite as lively in the longest time.

Allen reached into the blue satchel that was given to him as a gift goodbye, and pulled two, icy cold water bottles from it's grasp. He slung the bag back over his shoulder and took a sip of the bottle in his left hand. Kanda grimaced, "Don't waste water. The last thing we need is to run out of supplies in this damned place..I'm not responsible if you die due to heat exhaust."

"Kanda, if you want your bottle, just say so."

"Don't treat me like a child, sprout!"

"Stop calling me sprout, BaKanda!"

Sometimes-no, it seemed that twenty-four seven, seven days a week, three hundred and sixty-five days for two years now, he's hated this idiot sprout and it seems as though that'll never change.

Despite the foul look he received, Kanda grabbed a water bottle and took a nice, long swig. He briefly looked over his shoulder, as if daring Allen to say anything. When he didn't, they walked in silence and kept the even pace until coming across the first village they'd seen in ten miles.

Allen looked up, suddenly, and pure excitement crossed his features. He ran right into the unexplored, deserted territory and had a look around. Kanda almost yelled, prone to warn him, but ultimately decided that the beansprout would have to learn for himself.

It wasn't as though a monster lurked nearby, but in case a mysterious mugger or a masked murderer decided to take his aggression out on the lone teenage boy, Kanda would stand nearby and wait till the perfect moment, just to swoop in and watch the idiot wreathe in humiliation.

Unfortunately, however, nothing of the sort happened. Rather, it seemed as though the place was..quite literally deserted. He'd assumed it was merely too early in the morning to expect anyone to venture outside anytime soon, but it seemed as though no one was around.

Well..if no one was around, that just made things a little bit easier.

He yelled at the sprout who continuously peaked through every darkened window, "Pick a house and throw your stuff down. Don't let it out of your sight, I'm going to map my way around."

Allen nodded and watched as Kanda walked away, out of view.

From what he could tell, this village was significantly smaller than West Block..yet, big enough whereas village seemed like an unfitting title. If he carried a compass, perhaps he'd be able to give the block it's own label. For now, however, it was just a deserted town with little more inhabitants than the mice crawling around the worse off houses.

It was unnecessary, given it wasn't as though there'd be many intrusions anyway, but he picked the house that seemed the most secluded, set apart from the rest that were only separated by a mere ten feet.

And luckily, no mice had found their way inside. Though it seemed a bit dusty, it would have to work for a one night stay. But all in all, it wasn't the worst temporary home he'd ever had.

Before thoughts of Cross could worm their way into his mind, he distracted himself by staring outside into the sunny sky, that was quickly losing its appeal. He did as Kanda was told and dropped his bag, settling down next to it.

Knowing Kanda, he probably expected the boy to sit here like an obedient dog, all day long until Kanda decided it was time to move on to the next town that was equally deserted. Because in the little time he'd known Kanda, he knew one thing for sure; Kanda wasn't the type to waste time. He was a straight to the point person who shared no sympathy for screwing around.

Ironically, that was exactly why Allen was so often door to door in the first place. Of all things, he lacked a set destination.

_"Just until you get your life back on track,"_ he'd said before sending them off. As if it was that simple.

Inattentively, he reached outwardly toward the sky, blocking the bright light.

Nothing in life was ever that simple. He wasn't that simple. Even Kanda, who had or would like nothing to do with him, wasn't that simple.

The door creaked open and he held his breath. There was something about this man's presence that made him so uneasy all the damn time, it was ridiculous. If he'd known that, he'd have a field day. Kanda's footsteps grew louder, but he made no sudden movement. Instead of the bitter chuckle or the snide comment that he was expecting, a hand encased his left wrist.

He panicked and shot straight up, "Don't touch me!" The arm was pulled out of his grasp before any initial reaction was determined. He cradled his arm and hissed, "Perverted BaKanda."

"I _knew_ you were hiding something." he spat with equal malice, "Idiot beansprout."

"I'm not hiding anything."

"Give it a rest. We've already established the fact that you're a liar, and that you can't be trusted. Why do you bother?"

"Why do you insist on bothering me?"

This conversation was quickly headed in circled and they both knew it. On the days they hadn't spent fighting, had been spent antagonizing one another until a conclusion was reached where no further questions were to be asked, nor answered. In other words, it was a point of no return, because there was nothing to return to.

Allen had made it painfully clear that he wanted nothing to do with anybody. In a way, he'd become his own proud little narcissist, who only lived for the sake of Mana. Kanda shared that same tendency, needless to say that their motives differed.

Kanda didn't care about the wall he put around him, or the motives lying underneath that wall he'd built, nor did he question the scar, or the hair, or what he _knew_ but hadn't _seen_ was wrong with his arm. He did, however, know for a fact that that annoying smile he wore all the time, that damned poker face of his, was becoming a nuisance.

Because in his eyes, it was the equivalent of lying and Allen didn't even have to _try_. Because that was the only thing that was never questioned. It was always present, and always in the way of what he was truly feeling.

If he was scowling, he would smile. If he was sulking, he would smile. If he felt nothing at all, he would smile.

"You're an idiot." he stated simply.

"Hate you, BaKanda. Mind your own business."

"I am minding my own business. It's not my fault I have to babysit you."

"Everything is your fault. If you wouldn't have been so worked up over a poker game, we could've avoided this situation. We never would have met beyond that point, nor would we have ever had to see each others faces."

"And what good would that do? Do you believe that just because you hate me, I should disappear and never return?" He continued without awaiting a response, knowing the idiot would agree with him, "Life doesn't work that way, and this looks like one hell of a life you've picked out for yourself, you know? Do you even know what you're doing anymore?"

Defiantly, he didn't answer. He refused to let the man have the upper hand in a conversation that they shouldn't have been having in the first place.

That was enough to cease any more questions for the time being. After all, how was he supposed to know the answer?

Kanda growled, "Fine, play stupid. I'm not responsible for your actions, but I'm stuck with you until you make something of yourself so if you never want to see me again, I suggest you get a move on. Stupid beansprout." With that final insult, he slammed the door and left; likely in an attempt to find another cabin that wasn't infested with vermin or beansprouts.

"Stupid Kanda."

* * *

With little options left, the two spent the night in the cluttered cabin after a well assorted final round of bickering for the night, and set to sleep. That following morning, breakfast was scarce and as stated by Allen, Kanda was stingy.

"Where do you even _get_ soba around here?"

"None of your damn business."

"BaKanda, that's not a place."

"That's peace of mind."

"Stupid Kanda."

Allen propped his head on his elbow and stared out the window, hopefully avoiding any of Kanda's suspicion. All night long Kanda had kept busy antagonizing him and attacking his life style until the boy simply couldn't take it anymore and drowned the man out. He wasn't sure how long he could have gone on had he not-_hopefully_-figured out that the teen had gone to sleep.

"What do you do about school?"

Allen shot him a look as if he'd said something in his native language. "Are you kidding me?"

"Do I look like I'm joking, sprout?"

"I don't know, BaKanda, when do I ever take you seriously."

He grunted in frustration, but kept his temper under strained control as he continued to pry. "I asked you a question. Don't tell me you've become so stupid that you've forgotten how to speak normally."

He groaned as if he was in pain, "I can't believe you're still bothering me. They left us back in West Block, do you really believe they'd care enough to really depend on the fact that you're here with me? They just dumped you on me to get us both out of their hairs."

"And what's with the sudden attitude? Last time I checked, you were so polite that it'd become a damn nuisance. _Respectfully_ borrowing that boy for your own elaborate games."

"I don't suppose I have to keep the charade up this early in the morning, so I'll be straight with you. I don't care about what you say. I don't care if you're here or not and I don't care if you consider me a friend, enemy, child, nuisance.."

"-On top of that, who the hell decided that they dumped me on _you?_"

"-I did, and don't interrupt me, I was talking. That was _rude_, BaKanda-"

Unfortunately Allen was unable to finish that sentence, because no sooner than he had uttered those _annoying_ words, Kanda has successfully, _forcefully_ pinned him to the wooded floor below them. While he half-wondered whether or not those planks would support this kind of weight, he kept the majority of his cluttered mind on the matter so desperately struggling before him.

"BaKanda, this is illegal! Get off me, now!"

"Idiot, don't tell me to listen to you! In case you haven't noticed, your life is going nowhere fast and you want me to sit by and obey you as you throw yourself into a loop like this? I knew you were an idiot, but to go this far-"

"-As if you even cared in the first place. You would have cut me into pieces, had they never intervened. You're really a pain in the neck, you know.."

"What did you expect to do, otherwise? It was your own fault that you were run out of town so annually. What were you going to do when your luck ran out and you were captured? You would have been killed on the spot. I don't quite get you, moyashi, do you enjoy running around like a lost _dog?_"

"-_Don't_ call me a dog, BaKanda-"

Kanda growled with equal malice, "-_Don't_ interrupt me."

Allen shoved him off, "Don't touch me. I don't even want you to look at me." He broke into a distorted laugh, "Why are you here, really? I know you don't give a damn about anybody but yourself. I suppose you're just like me, in that sense.." His left arm seized his left eye, "Never mind, forget about it. We never had this conversation."

He was unsure of what to do-or say-at this point. This was the side of the boy that he definitely hadn't seen throughout the two or three years that he'd been running after the boy. For a debt that was well enough repaid, nonetheless. Although the boy just _couldn't_ wrap his mind around the fact that-

"Where are _you_ going?" he challenged as Allen rose to his feet and threw the half empty messenger bag over his shoulder, clutching the doorknob.

"Out. Maybe to the nearest bar? I don't know."

He scoffed and crossed his arms, "How do you plan on getting into a bar, you're fifteen."

Shrugging, he let out a bored sigh, "It's not as though that ever matters if you have the necessary..requirements."

"By requirements, you either have a fake ID or connections. I highly doubt you know anyone in this dried up old town, so where is it?"

"None of your business. Just go entertain yourself if you're really going to be _that_ lonely while I'm away.."

"You're an idiot. You're going to go outside, gamble, cheat, get yourself killed and I'm not going to sympathize with you. It's your own fault that you're in this situation, and you're crazy if you think I'm letting you take off with that bag."

He threw the water and snacks down at his feet, "Take it." the bag followed shortly after, "I don't need it to get inside. If I bribe a stranger, they'll take pity on me."

"You're _not_ going anywhere and you're sure as hell not doing that."

Allen growled in frustration as he felt the hints of a strong disagreement coming on..as if they hadn't spent the good majority of this morning arguing, already.

* * *

In the end, Allen had won out. He had badgered on and on about reasons Kanda shouldn't, wouldn't, and didn't care nor have a say as to where or when he decided to go. Kanda, begrudgingly deciding that he truly didn't care, let him leave with that stupid little ID of his, and only hoped he'd survive long enough to come back, where Kanda could _properly_ beat him into the floorboards.

And eventually, return, he did.

"Back so soon?" he smirked as the door gently creaked open.

Truth be told, the kid had managed to stay out, as promised, as late and as spontaneously as he desired, until he returned home at what Kanda could only guess neared an hour or so before midnight-

-Sporting a lovely bruise underneath his left eye.

"I take it gambling went well." he scoffed.

All remained silent and Allen, as if oblivious to Kanda's presence, laid himself flat stomached against the floor. Kanda, already sitting cross legged in the small perimeter offered by their pathetic little house, glanced at the fluff of white that fell unevenly across his face as he looked onward toward space.

It was cause for worry, to say the least, if Kanda was capable of such emotion.

"You're not going to say anything? You're not even going to tell me what happened?" He mocked, "It seems the moyashi isn't as edgy as he originally thought to believe. Can't even handle a single punch; What would you have done if I had gotten hold of you before anyone else?"

"Now is not time for talk." He half-whispered, "Now is time for sleep. As in _I'm going to sleep_. Goodnight, BaKanda."

Although somewhat relieved he wasn't speaking to a corpse as he was led to believe the night prior, the kid still had quite a bit of explaining to do. He'd brushed it off this morning but it wasn't as if something like this could be ignored by a child such as he; especially in the presence of an adult.

And no, that was not a sign that Kanda cared, nor was he even going to try and console the idiot. Frankly, he deserved that near-black eye and would have received something much worse, had he stayed and tried Kanda's patience anymore than he already had.

Honestly..He was tasked with the chore of babysitting a child who led himself to believe he was worthy to stand at the height of an adult. In reality, he was far more childish than anyone could have ever possibly hoped to imagine. Whether or not he was good with a deck was irrelevant.

Besides, contrary to what birthed this mess in the first place, he wasn't skilled at the art of cards, or gambling, or anything of the sort. Rather, he excelled at being a deviant little sneak that cheated money right out from unsuspecting noses-and occasionally, clothes.

Well, now that the brat was asleep, Kanda figured that there was never a better time to get to know the neighborhood.

* * *

Amazingly, he'd managed to find a bar just on the outskirts of the villages. By the looks of things, it was a 24-7 establishment, which explained why the rest of the place seemed so dormant. The building itself seemed a little misplaced, too. In far better shape, standing, and financially sound he supposed, since there was a good amount of drunkards and the occasional teenage boys funding their open doors.

He had returned to find Allen, locked in a dead sleep. Last night must have been exhausting, but that wasn't going to stop Kanda from prying any further. He'd asked him a few questions and he expected answers. So, hopefully, it was only a matter of time before the kid woke up and hangover or not, he was going to set him straight.

**A/N: Beware the second chapter! ..Actually, I'd rather you not. Please proceed with care however, as Kanda's language and or violent tendencies may or may not be awaiting you, as well as Allen's bad habits. However, this I cannot guarantee quite yet, seeing as I haven't written the second chapter. Unless you're from the future. Pointless author's note is pointless.**

** Originally unintended as a Yullen but my inner fan girl fought tooth, nail, hammer, sword, and won out. It was a peaceful debate. With lots of trauma. Lots.**


End file.
